― Orson Scott Card, Xenocide
Humans are funny creatures. We, among all creatures, feel that we have the right to judge one another. We do this every day - a snap judgement when we meet someone on the street, a reserved judgement on someone entering our lives for a longer period of time. We judge hair, clothing, faces, body shape, words - anything we can lay our senses on.
I read an interesting article the other day by a young woman living in England. When she was in high school, she took a course in Psychology. For that class, she did a project in which she dressed as a Goth for a day to gauge the reactions of the people around her. She was surprised by the reactions she was met with. She and the Goths she was with were seated at the back of a restaurant and met with scorn by people they encountered on the street. All snap judgements made by those they met.
A few years later, the same young lady did an experiment on a dating website where she posted a different picture of herself every day for a week. These photos included her dressed as a Goth, a Party Girl, a Hippy, Fresh out of Bed, and Herself - all taken at the same location and in the same poses. The comments, some of which were from the same people, varied as much as her outfits. Having lived in many walks of life myself, I could really relate.
I have been at an amusement park with someone who was asked (rudely) to get off a ride because they were too large to fit in the seat. The least of the comments thrown at us was "Thanks for delaying the ride!" We walked away from the ride with my comforting being brushed off and her son with his head held high, though the poor kid was beyond anger that these strangers berated his mother.
I've been in a supermarket only to overhear a complete stranger say "You don't need to buy any more ice cream, Fat Ass." I've felt the scorn when dressed in Gothic attire. I've felt others' hatred or jealousy(?) from being the smart and "gifted" kid. I've endured the nicknames and insults thrown at the fat kid. The first punch in my first physical fight was thrown by my personal bully, jealous of my popularity and girlfriend. I've taken labels and hatred from friend and foe alike.
I'm brave enough to say that I've been on the other side, too. I've been the bully. I've been rebellious. I've been the labeller. I've made people cry. When with "friends", I had balls. When drunk, I was superman.
No more. Not intentionally.
No one can truly say their words and actions won't affect someone. You can only be mindful of what you say and do for these are your judgement and gavel.
The beginning of this lesson for me was at my first job after high school. It was a simple lesson. It had nothing to do with bullying, hatred, jealousy or popularity. It was all about judgement.
My first interview ever was a piece of cake. I went to it after school, so I was already dressed in my school uniform. The manager was a funny; I flashed my charm. It was a simple stocking position in a big chain toy store. I was in and out in no time - I was told right away I had the job. I left only with the embarrassment that my fly was down the whole time. I was prepared in no way for interviews for any subsequent jobs.
When I left that job for my first "real" one, I thought I had it in the bag. My interview attire consisted of jeans, sneakers and a presentable shirt - as in not a T-shirt. The manager that interviewed me was in a full suit and very professional looking. I walked into his office and sat down, not pausing to shake his hand or introduce myself. The only thing I retained from my first job interview was to turn on the charm. This was my saving grace.
At the end of my interview, I was hired. The manager was forthright in telling me I was hired because I interviewed well. He almost did NOT hire me, because I was not dressed for the interview. I proved to him that he made the right choice for not judging me on this fact.
My manager at this job became a mentor of sorts, in both the good and the bad. He was a bad boy outside of work, always looking to get into trouble. Because there were several of us around the same age (I was only a few years younger than him), we would hang out, go drinking and skip work.
When it came to being professional, though, a switch went on. He coached me in customer service skills. He helped me with my resume and taught me about the interview process. He even got me into a management training program that proved useful to my career in later years. Most importantly, he taught me not to make a snap judgement until I had the details.
I probably wouldn't have gotten that lesson until much later in life, if it hadn't have been for this person. It certainly proved useful.
I can't say I haven't misstepped. I walked into an interview wearing black nail polish and a fine suit. I was able to squash a quick judgement by apologizing that I couldn't get it off from a Halloween costume the night before.
I've had poor judgement. I've worked while drunk and/or high. Believe me, people make very quick judgements against you when they see that.
I've had questionable judgement. Two of my tattoos are on my hands for all to see. They are very meaningful to me personally representing constant reminders to reach for my goals and keep balance in my life. When explained, they are appreciated. Many employers frown upon them - yet another judgement made before digging deeper.
I like to think I have improved as I've grown older. I've shed many of the bad habits that defined me as a young man. I still remain judgemental - as we all do - but I prefer to reserve my judgement until I have more accurate information. Even that is never the end, as people are ever changing.
As a prime example, I would not have started dating my husband had I not reserved judgement. I'm thankful that is one of the first times, if not the first time, I decided to take a more mature approach. Otherwise, he would have been another cocky guy buying me a drink and giving me his business card. With the pain and mood I was in that night, not to mention the alcohol I was consuming, fate could have easily shifted the wrong direction with a snap judgement. As it is, I am married to one of the most caring and loving men I have ever met. And I still have that business card!
I am still on the defensive. I don't always react well to others' judgement. One such incident prompted this writing:
One of my gaming friends on Facebook posted that she was sick of men. She had tried several dating sites and had gotten into conversations that led to her disgust of what they were truly out to get. When revealed that sex wasn't her first interest, they insulted her and called her names. This led to a decision that she was probably better off marrying her cat or a rock.
That obviously wasn't word for word, but you get the point. I will however show you the comments that followed. Names are not revealed for any of these people excepting myself out of consideration:
Comment 3 is what triggered it for me. It can be read one of two ways. One could pertain to the original posting regarding the comments made by the guys responding to her on the dating site. I read it as a response to the comment I made and that I was being insulted. Thus my response following it. I think my friend interpreted it the same as I did as she was the one who "Liked" both of my comments. There were no other responses, so I can only speculate. I can say without a doubt, though, my judging days are far from gone.
I'll leave you with your own reflection and a few choice quotes on the subject.
“When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself”
― Earl Nightingale
“Who are you to judge the life I live?
I know I'm not perfect
-and I don't live to be-
but before you start pointing fingers...
make sure you hands are clean!”
― Bob Marley
“Judge tenderly, if you must. There is usually a side you have not heard, a story you know nothing about, and a battle waged that you are not having to fight.”
― Traci Lea LaRussa
“Don't judge too harshly, for if your weaknesses were to be placed under your footsteps, most likely you would stumble and fall as well.”
― Richelle E. Goodrich
“The easiest decision you could make is judge, it takes courage to search for the truth.”
― Abraham Ruiz
“Don't fucking make judgments about something you know nothing about.”
― Cecily von Ziegesar, Because I'm Worth It
“The intellectual mind judges a book after having read it.
A fool’s mind judges a book by its title.”
― Ellen J. Barrier
“Know yourself in order to be better not to criticize and judge yourself”
― Abdulkareem Bkar
The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.
- Thomas Paine
― Earl Nightingale
“Who are you to judge the life I live?
I know I'm not perfect
-and I don't live to be-
but before you start pointing fingers...
make sure you hands are clean!”
― Bob Marley
“Judge tenderly, if you must. There is usually a side you have not heard, a story you know nothing about, and a battle waged that you are not having to fight.”
― Traci Lea LaRussa
“Don't judge too harshly, for if your weaknesses were to be placed under your footsteps, most likely you would stumble and fall as well.”
― Richelle E. Goodrich
“The easiest decision you could make is judge, it takes courage to search for the truth.”
― Abraham Ruiz
“Don't fucking make judgments about something you know nothing about.”
― Cecily von Ziegesar, Because I'm Worth It
“The intellectual mind judges a book after having read it.
A fool’s mind judges a book by its title.”
― Ellen J. Barrier
“Know yourself in order to be better not to criticize and judge yourself”
― Abdulkareem Bkar
The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.
- Thomas Paine
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