There is no good answer to this. It really depends on who your relationship was with and if it was really worth salvaging that relationship.
I've been lucky enough to be on both sides of this fence. Can it be called lucky? I think it can.
If you've recently been broken up with... OK, dumped (I know how it feels)... you will most likely disagree with me. I get it. Any relationship for an extended period of time is going to build up feelings and a certain amount of trust. To have either of those betrayed is one of the worst experiences I have ever had.
Don't forget that there were other people involved. You get your heart ripped out and trod on. It's painful. Hopefully your ex, if they've got any humanity at all, is feeling some kind of regret. It is not easy having to deliver the news that they are breaking your heart. It's even worse if they've been holding it in for a while. Add to that the fact that most times these things end in some type of fight, it is not easy for either side.
By no means am I suggesting that you need to have any pity for the dumper. Sometimes it's nice to know that the other person is hurting, too. Your pain is your own, but don't forget your friends. Remember, I did say there were other people involved.
In the time of your crisis, your friends are the best medicine. There's no better remedy for a bad breakup than a girls'/guys' night out. With a designated driver, of course. Go out to dinner, take a road trip, do something with people who love and care about you. It's OK to take a nesting day wrapped up in blankets and your cat (or dog) indulging in Ben & Jerry's and a Rom-Com cry-a-thon. Ya gotta get it out somehow! But don't forget the others that are important in your life. They are the best to help you through any hard time.
A little over a decade ago, I had my messiest break-up. I've had a few bad ones, but this was a doozy. I'll set the picture:
I met this guy at work. He was really fun-loving and loved going out. I was looking for a good time, so we hooked up. A couple months after we started dating, I got a promotion and had to move. I only had a couple weeks to get moved and start my new position and I didn't want to leave him behind, so I asked if he would join me. We moved in together and he got a job near where I worked. We were together for a year. During that time, he held four different jobs to my one. I discovered that he stole from all those positions. I found one boss's credit card and a receipt for a hotel where it was used. I found a stash of sunglasses and even wore a pair that was given to me, only to find out as I was walking past my friend that managed The Sunglass Hut in the mall that they were stolen. (He was fired from that job that day.) This boy was a klepto.
His final job during our relationship was as a bartender. During this time, I got an interesting Instant Message from someone I didn't know. This person said he was my boyfriend's boyfriend and I was "the straight roommate". An interesting story started to emerge as we talked. To my understanding, there were about 10 other guys he had slept around with. So started my emotional descent and my plot for revenge and freedom. Somehow I was able to forgive the kleptomaniac, but not the cheater. Love does funny things.
My first plan, well, reaction was to spend the night with Jim Beam then find solace in someone that would both care, but also kick my butt in gear. I hopped in my car and sped to my brother's house. He and my sister-in-law woke up to find me in a drunken stupor crying on their back porch that morning. After sobering up and getting some sense knocked into me, I headed back home. In the following weeks, I found out that wrote checks off of my account (spelling my name incorrectly and differently on each check), I met more of his conquests and I confronted him both by himself at a restaurant and with three of his affairs at the bar where he worked (another drunken, messy night).
He stayed elsewhere for our final month "together" and I finally moved to another place.
This was obviously not the best or healthiest of relationships. There was a lot of fighting and, while he had checked out a long time before, the relief I felt when I finalized our breakup was filled with self-doubt and depression. I drowned myself in work and my friends were a godsend.
Needless to say, I never wanted to see him again, cringe whenever I hear his name and won't be able to forgive him enough for friendship. This is definitely not an ex I would recommend trying to remain friends with. I'll admit this was an exception to most relationships, but everyone has at least one story that would rival mine.
Granted, not all relationships are this bad. I can't say that I'm friends with any of my male exes, but I am friends with a few of my female exes.
I've been the dumper and dumpee and share friendships with these wonderful women. As I mentioned before, it depends on the relationship. Of all the relationships I have had, I've been able to maintain or renew friendships with those whom were previously friends.
I dated one girl a couple separate times in high school. We met in marching band and were both part of the best circle of friends I ever knew. While it was rough breaking up, we figured out we were better as friends. She's now married with kids and we've caught up a couple of times over the years.
Another young lady became friends with me at work. Unfortunately, right out of high school, I entered a very rebellious stage and used her as an outlet for that rebellion. I walked out of my parents' house and moved in with her family for a year. During that time, I never spoke with or saw my parents. When I finally realized what I had done to my own family, I blamed everyone and everything but myself. It wasn't the cleanest ending to a relationship, yet 20 years later we've reconnected through Facebook.
Finally, a wonderful woman I met through another job started dating me. This happened after I had come out. Our friendship started out pretty strong with our shared interest in books. Our relationship grew to dating, but ended when we grew apart romantically. I can't say that our transition back to friendship was easy, but we both understood that a romantic relationship wasn't in the cards. She did, however, help me grow as a human being and become a better man.
While I've renewed friendships with a few other exes, these three women are my best examples. Whether you are better off being friends or you renew a friendship later in life, it is possible, though not always probable, to be friends with exes. Luckily, people we date have a tremendous effect on our lives. Without any of these people and my experiences with them - both good and bad - I would not be the man I am today and would not have had the journey to my current friends and love.
No comments:
Post a Comment