A View of a Room

I've lived in a lot of different situations throughout the years.  I like to think I've been a good roommate/renter, but no one ever gives us a manual on how to act.  Most of us are so worried about keeping our lives together and having a roof over our heads that we don't even think about how it may be affecting others sharing our situation.

Hopefully some of my experiences  can help another person improve on their own situation.

1. Living With Family.  Now, I'm not talking about living with your parents when you are growing up.  After you turn 18, though, is a different story.

Not all families are the same when it comes to living with them as an adult.  Rules, if there are any, differ from household to household.  My parents were pretty cool as long as you remembered whose roof you were living under.  Unfortunately, I tended to forget where I was.

The biggest thing to remember is that your parents, whether or not they charge rent, are still your parents and love you as such.  Mine were good enough that they charged a reasonable rent so I could save up money to move out on my own.  I also knew that they would be there for me if I ever got into trouble and needed to come home again, which happened several times.

What I failed to remember was they were strict enough to give me tough love when I eventually needed it.

I had a habit of overexerting my independence and reverting to the rebellious teenager when I lived under their roof.  While I was usually good, I often forgot they needed an element of respect.  They are still family and need to treated like family.  Family shouldn't keep secrets from each other.  Family respects house rules.

I tended to keep to my room when I was home.  I didn't like to keep my parents informed on how my job or even my day was.  When I wasn't home, I barely told them where I'd be - other than at work.  I liked to stay out late and come home at all hours of the morning.  Often I was just plain lazy and didn't care if there were things that I needed to accomplish at home.  I was just worried about who I was going to hang out with and what we were going to do that night!

That's where the tough love comes in.  The last time I lived with my parents, I was coming in at 4 in the morning and had a total lack of respect for my own contribution to the household.  Basically, I was given warning that I had limited time to find a new place to live.  I hated them at the time, but love them for giving me a kick in the right direction.

I found out a few years later that it just takes a bit of love and respect to coexist with family in the same house.

After a bit of a rough ordeal, I moved in with my brother and his family to straighten out my life.  I didn't stay there long - only about a year - but they were there to get me back on track.  All I had to do was keep them informed, respect the family and help out where I was needed.

My brother and sister-in-law were very patient with me even though I know I slipped out of line a couple of times.  I was working four jobs and fielding debt collectors - many times I felt I was entitled to some selfish me time.  They helped me out a lot that year and had no problem pushing me back in line when I needed it.  I never recommend falling down on your luck.  Most times, we can't avoid it when it does happen.  I was very fortunate to have a loving family there to help me through it.

It's a tough road to follow, but as long as you can  find common ground and a common respect, living with family isn't hard.  They are there for you and love you no matter what.  Just don't overextend your welcome.

2. Sharing an Apartment.  This is probably one of my least favorite things to do.  I've found out that I don't handle roommates in small spaces very well.  It's one thing to share an apartment with your spouse.  You are together for a reason.  But sharing with a friend, coworker or even a roommate from a classified ad is a challenge.  You have to find your groove.

I like my space.  I don't share well and I'm stuck in my ways.  I have also discovered I have OCD tendencies when it comes to certain things.  This doesn't mix well when it comes to someone who is not dedicated to you like family.

I've shared an apartment several times with other people.  None of the experiences have lasted long.  One was in an apartment complex where we ended up breaking our lease because we couldn't make ends meet.  I decided to go in with a coworker so we could help each other out.  It worked out well for the first couple of months, but we started to realize how different we were.

I'm pretty easy going when it comes to dealing with friends.  He turned out to be very high-maintenance.  I thought I had OCD issues, but realized they were nothing when it came to him.  Eventually, a third guy moved in who was even more easy going than me (read: slobbish).  He didn't have a care in the world and spent the majority of the time between the couch and going out.  That was the beginning of the end.  After many disagreements, arguments and all-out fights, we agreed to break lease and go our separate ways.  What started out as a good friendship ended no longer acknowledging each other in public because we could not find common ground.

Another slightly better situation was an apartment above a shop.  I'm still not 100% sure the landlord knew I was staying there.  This place was being rented by a couple that I also worked with that wanted to help me out when the previous apartment fiasco occurred.  This situation was completely the opposite.  We got along well, but never saw each other.  While this was a bit more ideal to my liking, it still wasn't the best of situations.  Because we never saw each other, there was very little communication.  I didn't know when it came time to find another place as I didn't know they were talking about moving out.  I eventually found out in time to get another place to stay, but I wasn't going to share an apartment with anyone for quite some time.

Another thing to worry about when sharing an apartment with someone you may  not know as well as you think, is privacy.  I tend to be very respectful when it comes to others, but I also don't trust a lot of people if we are not close.  In both apartments I shared, I never knew what the bedroom of my roommates looked like - other than a view from the doorway.  When it came to my own private space, I hope they respected it as I did theirs.  I didn't have anything to hide, but no one wants another person rifling through their things.

In an apartment sharing situation, it is of utmost importance to have communication.  You need to get along and be able to equally split up responsibilities.  Share the jobs, split the bills and help each other out.  This is the only way you will be able to get along.

3. Renting a Room or Rooms in a House.  A couple of times, I've had the opportunity rent rooms in a house.  This meant that I had my own space to live in, but also shared space with my "landlord".

In the first case, I rented for a while from yet another coworker.  Yes, I had quite a few coworkers that I have lived with.  This one happened to be more mature than the other coworkers I've rented with.  We had a mutual respect for each other from work, having worked together for several years.

This gentleman and I set ground rules from the beginning.  I rented a bedroom on the second floor and shared the bathroom and kitchen with him.  We coexisted very well.  I had to get my own food, though every now and then he would cook a dinner for both of us when we had the day off.

We both valued our independence.  He had his relationship and I had mine.  We had a mutual respect for each other when we had guests to visit, letting each other know when they would be there or if we going out for work or the night.

Though we worked together, we would let each other know what our schedules would be.  If he was out of town, I would watch his dog and take care of the plants.  Overall, we got along very well.

The other instance in which I rented rooms was with an older couple.  In this case, I had moved to upstate PA to be near my fiance at the time.  Her grandparents had a house nearby and rented the upstairs rooms for extra income.  While technically we had two separate areas, it was their house and they might need access to one of the rooms upstairs as well as the attic.  

Occasionally, they would invite me for dinner - mainly when my fiance came to visit.  When I was sick, the grandmother would make me authentic Polish chicken soup with dumplings.  

We had a great respect for each other.  I would let them know when I would have company over.  I would also respectfully tread lightly and keep the TV low after 9 pm, since I live on the second floor and I never really knew how thin the walls were.

Both situations worked out very well for me.  I could spend as much or as little time with the people I lived with.  We had a mutual respect for each other's privacy.  I never expected anything from either landlord other than fixing any problems that might occur with my appliances or bathroom.  I was responsible for my own food, laundry and outside expenses.  The only thing that was expected of me was to have my rent paid by the first of the month and keep my space presentable.  

4. Living alone.  

My best premarital living experiences were when I was living alone.  During these times, I learned my best life lessons.  I had to be responsible for myself.  No one was there to pay the bills for me, buy my food or make sure I was awake to go to work.  I had all the time I wanted for myself and I had a place for friends to visit without having to let anyone else know.  I had to make educated decisions on what I could afford.  My life was my own to make.  

Thanks to these times I was able to learn who I was.  I became the person I am today.  I was able to find myself and prepare for my life with my husband today.

Consider my life lessons up to this point learned.