I didn't know what an introvert was until sometime in 2007. I was working in Dupont Circle and helped hire a young lady who, while being a very good worker, had conflicting emotions about being at the register. She was great with the people that came up to her to purchase books, but was never the one to call them over. If she did, her voice was so quiet they didn't hear most times. She would say what she needed to say - she had her spiel down to a science - but wouldn't volunteer any more conversation.
One day she borrowed a book, because she was looking for another career. I don't remember the exact title, but it was something about jobs for the introverted. Because I didn't remember ever having heard that word before, I looked it up. It explained a lot about the girl. It also explained a lot about myself.
Most people think that introverts are just shy. They like to keep to themselves and don't talk a lot. That's just the tip of the iceberg. I can share a little bit about myself that might help you identify and understand an introverted friend.
When I think about it, I'm not sure how I made my childhood friends. It probably happened the same way I make friends now. Today, the majority of my friends are people I've worked with or met through association with my husband. I can't remember the last time I went up to a complete stranger and voluntarily introduced myself.
Living in the country, my family did not have close neighbors. The nearest were 1/4 of a mile away and still are to this day. I had some good friends, people I would ride my bike to visit. Before I started school, they were children of my parents' friends. My mother would have me with her when she visited and introduce me to the kids.
Of course, when school started I met classmates by association. Many kids were more outgoing than I was and would start talking to me. As kids are, we would become instant friends. Simple as that.
It's very difficult to tell if a child is introverted. One of the very few ways to tell is if they are gifted, though not all gifted children are introverts.
I was a smart kid. I'm not boasting; just stating fact. When your parents and teachers are always telling you this... well, it is what it is. I didn't always agree with them. Anyway, my parents had me tested in Elementary School and the results identified me as a gifted student. There weren't many of us in my grade. Just enough to count on one hand. Our numbers increased slightly in Middle School, but only because our school district combined two Elementary Schools together.
I tended to be closer with these students than most of the others. It was probably because we had similar interests. My next closest friends were those who rode the bus with me. Several close friends were from the church I grew up in and met in Sunday School. There were a lot of people I liked and as a child, I considered anyone I liked as a friend.
While it was fun to go visit these kids or have them over to my house to play, I could have just as much fun by myself. I've got an older brother and we were very close when we were much younger. We would play together when we were young, but his independence let him to do his own thing as he grew up. There was never any time that we did not get along, but as we got older, we drifted in our separate directions.
My mother would often say I would be happy playing with Play Doh at the kitchen table for hours. When I learned to play the piano, I would close the doors to the "Music Room" and play for hours on end. Any activity I took an interest in, I would delve into with a vengeance.
I made it through Grade School and High School without too much of a problem. It was pretty easy to find people with similar interests that took an interest in me. My circle of friends in High School were amazing. They are still some of the best people I've ever had the privilege of knowing. Because I had such fantastic friends through school, I never realized I had any issues socializing.
It wasn't until I finished High School that I noticed anything different. To me it felt normal to move on with life and leave people behind. I was never any good at keeping up with friendships. There were a few people I tried to stay in touch with, but I would always drift off on my own path. This pattern was always the same, be it with friends, lovers and even family. From the outside, I can imagine that I looked pretty callous with my out-of-sight, out-of-mind stance on relationships. I still think of my friends very fondly, though they may not know it. This is one of the reasons I've grown to love Facebook, where I can react to their pictures and comments and distantly share in their happiness and sorrow.
I've only recently really started to understand who I am. I've discovered different aspects about myself through the years and will continue learning as I age. But I can now understand quite a bit about what I didn't know then.
As an introvert, I don't have a lot of very close friends. There are very few people that I let see my true inner light. That group has been ever changing through the years. Right now, I can barely count that group on two hands. But if I include all of the people through the years that I have opened my heart to, I'm sure I'm close to triple digits. It is mind-boggling to me, who can only really handle small intimate groups with any comfort.
Conversations are hard for me. Most times I don't talk until I have something important to add. Unfortunately, a lot of those times are missed because I don't speak up fast enough and the flow moves on to different subjects. Many times have I rehashed conversations and arguments on my way to work. I can only imagine how I've looked to passersby responding to another voice that only I could hear. Luckily, I catch myself doing it before getting caught by the funny farm.
I hate talking on the phone. When the phone rings, I normally don't answer it. I used to think it was because I had solicitors calling all the time and I would cringe when I heard the phone ringing. It turns out, that happens whenever I'm not expecting a call.
The truth of the matter is that I need to be in the right mood to talk to someone. If I'm not expecting a call from anyone, I have the mindset that they will leave me a message if it is important. No message, no return call. When I do answer, I don't talk much. My hubby hates this. In my mind, everyone has a direct reason for calling. I don't do small talk. I just don't feel comfortable talking about nothing in particular. I'm very slowly learning to do it, but it just isn't natural. I also don't handle dead air time or side conversations. The silence tells me the conversation is over and it's time to hang up. The side conversations tell me there are more important things going on and I'm interrupting.
Thanks to smart phones, I can text. I don't have to talk. I can get my message and answers across and I know, for the most part, when the conversation is over.
Parties are the same way for me. The small talk is painful. It's not that I don't know how to have a conversation. I just don't feel comfortable doing it. If there are a lot of people around that I don't know, things get even worse. I don't meet new people, unless I'm introduced. I tend to only stay with the people I know and surround myself in their bubble. I find the corner of the room or a seat next to the wall, just to feel safe. If the claustrophobia of the crushing crowd sets in, it's time to leave.
Public transportation is a real problem for me. There are too many people that I don't want to be around. When we lived in the city, I preferred to walk to work over taking the bus or Metro. If I had to, I would find a seat next to a window so I could visually and mentally escape. At least when it comes to flights, I have my husband with me. I still get my window seat, but he'll take a middle seat so I don't have to sit next to anyone else.
This is the same in restaurants and theaters, also. I have to sit between people I know or on the aisle to feel comfortable. The thought of someone I don't know striking up a conversation with me is terrifying.
It's strange, though. I've worked in retail for the majority of my career; it's a very social setting. I could talk to most people and would feel most comfortable with a counter between myself and my customers. Most likely, it was because it was the job and I did what needed to be done to keep it. Most times, though, it felt fake to me. I found out that networking is difficult for introverts. We feel the need to be genuine and networking (the social aspect of any business) really comes down to kissing a lot of butts to get where one needs to go.
I don't feel the need to be fake to anyone. I also believe in the power of telling the truth, as I've mentioned in the past. Most of my jobs would unofficially require me to be what the customers wanted to see. It could be done, but it was difficult and exhausting.
Most of my friends understand me. Those I've let in know they can trust in me. I've had more people than I can remember tell me secrets, knowing they would never pass these lips to anyone else (most times, not even my husband!) They understand that I am the quiet one. They know I think long and hard before I speak. They joke that when I say something, they need to listen because it might be important. I often surprise them when I crack a joke or sarcastic comment.
They also understand that I like routine and quiet. I've been at odds with people over this, but we've come to our understanding. They know not to visit unannounced. They know how I am if strangers come with them (read: they bring friends I don't know). Most can spot when I start to get antsy in a public place and know I need to escape. They also know that if I've been out too long, I shut down and just need to get home and be quiet to charge my inner battery.
My husband knows me best, as he should. He knows the signs. He's been with me long enough, which is crazy since we are opposites. He's very extroverted and outgoing. He loves to go out and surrounds himself with friends. I've learned that introverts are often with people like him so they can go along for the ride on their bubble of fun. Luckily, he knows my signals and knows when to shut down the ride.
As attentive as he is, there's still things he doesn't understand about me as an introvert. He's often surprised when he asks what I'm thinking about and I can't give him an answer. Introverts often recharge on the go if they get a chance to zone out. Conversely, his ADHD mind is always on the go and never settles down. I also don't think he expects me to say I'm not nervous when I have to perform in front of a crowd. While I prefer not to, I've got no problem standing in front of people on stage and speaking or performing. It's much easier than mingling or striking up a conversation.
He's also getting better at not interrupting me when I'm concentrating. Though concentration is more difficult for me now, it's never been easy. It boggles my mind that he can have a conversation, play on Facebook and watch a TV show all at the same time. I've gotten to the point that I can have a show on at the same time I'm working on something else, but most times I can only remember the gist of what happened in the story. Most times if I'm interrupted while concentrating, I am not only easily irritated, but I will often forget what I was trying to think of or say in the first place. This seems to be a common trait of introverts.
One thing I love about being introverted is that I am more observant than the average person. People tend to forget that I see, hear and retain things they might forget about an hour later. I've surprised people by bringing up something from a conversation that entertained me weeks and sometimes months after it happened.
I also tend to notice small, intimate details that are overlooked by others. I loved to collect bugs when I was a kid. It was a hobby started by a 4H project. It wasn't because I love bugs, though they are very entertaining and educational. I loved the minute details of their patterns and their symmetry in nature.
Finally, my best conversations are on paper. I love using email to talk with my parents. This is one of the hardest things for my husband to wrap his head around. He's always very vocal. He talks to his parents a couple of times every week. When we first me, he'd call his mother every day. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't talk to my parents for weeks on end. It's easiest for me to speak with someone face to face and one on one. That way, I have a fighting chance to voice whatever I'm trying to say. The best way is to write it all down. That gives me the chance to be able to think about what I want to say and form the words whose meaning might be garbled by a rushed physical conversation. Everything can come out the way I mean it to be.
So the next time you call, don't be surprised when I don't answer or wait to return it. Don't be offended if I am a passive conversationalist. Please don't mistake my pensive attention for standing bitch face. Give me a chance to get to know you and you may be rewarded with the key to my soul.
If you are interested in learning more about your introverted friends, check out the links below. I would like to thank their authors for providing their information as my inspiration.
23 Signs You're Secretly An Introvert from Huffington Post
27 Problems Only Introverts Will Understand from Buzz Feed
19 Struggles of Having an Outgoing Personality But Actually Being Introverted
by Christian M. Lyons*
*Thank you to Debbie Mabry-Hewitt for showing me this article after she read my offering!
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